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| Today is my dear dear Grandmother's Chinese birthday. It is a Chinese custom to visit ancestor's grave at their birthdays and anniversaries of their deaths in rememberance, and also to clean their graves. But since Grandma's Chinese birthday falls on a Monday, we all went to her grave yesterday for her 忌. As a Christian, I know that she's in a better place and we will one day be with each other again. But the Chinese custom of "visiting her grave" at her birthday to pay respects "to her" was actually a very very brutal experience. Especially since she'd only passed away on the 4th. Although we know that we're on borrowed time and should be thankful... As a student in health sciences, we know that life happens, and so does death. We get borned, sick, old...and we also die. It happens to the best of us. And when someone gets so old with so many complications, it may be a huge relief that they just no longer suffer. But as much as you "know". You can't help but think: It should've been/could've been a big birthday dinner with all of her kids, 14 grandchildren, all of the above-mentioned and their spouses, and 10 great-grandchildren. Singing "Happy Birthday" to her and then my Dad leading us to sing the "Chinese birthday" song with her grinning from ear to ear all night. Instead, it was a windy, rainy day. The moist cold air was numbing AND piercing at the same time. And instead of a happy celebration of her birthday with Chinese food and Chinatown cake, we were visiting her grave. We were standing there, and where we stood to remember how she touched our lives, imagined how many hugs and kisses I'd have given her for her birthday, imagined the special way that she'd kissed all of us, remember her warm smile -- 6 feet under -- laid her lifeless body in the cold, damp dirt covered by flowers from her funeral still. It was brutal. I know. I'm probably still pretty traumatized from seeing my dear grandmother take her last breath, seeing the color drain from her face... I miss you Grandma! I miss you so much!!! I wish I could've spent more time with you. I wish I told you I love you more often. I wish I took you out more. I wish I'd made you soup. I wish I'd have heard/understood what you were saying through the rebreather mask the last night you were conscious. I wish I'd sang hymns for/with you more. I wish we would've taken more pictures. I wish we could've taken videos. I wish you'd be there for all of my future milestones: when I graduate, have kids (if we do)... I wish... I wish... I wish... Selfishly, I wish you were still here. | | |
| Miss Arnold was one of my Sunday school teachers and the missionary for the church I grew up in. She opened her home to our small youth group when it first started. She had much love for everyone, as she had much love for God. Our church was a very small church of only about 50-80 people (at most), so everyone was like family. In fact, most everyone who were there were related to a few other people at the church, and when some inter-married, it was actual that everyone was family. She was a great example of living for God and following God's way in her daily life...and whereever God sent her. She devoted her life to outreaching to Chinese in China, Vietnam, Hong Kong, and the States. She spoke great Chinese! Yes, she learned Chinese! One of the hardest language to learn, believe it or not! She was admitted to the hospital, suffered a massive stroke and went home to God November 22, 2008. | | |
| December 1st, 2008 Grandma was admitted to the hospital for breathing difficulties. It turns out that she had a heart attack over the weekend. The heart attack has made her congestive heart failure worsen. And we were told that it didn't look good that she'd make it this time. December 4th, 2008 at about 9:50pm, I saw my grandmother take her last breath. I saw the pulse in her neck stop pulsing. I saw her lose the color of life in her face. When my husband's grandmother died a few months ago, I thought that I knew what it was like to lose my grandmother because I was close with Grandma Joy and we've been like family for a long time. But it's not the same. My heart doesn't ache the same. It's not that it aches more or less. It's just not the same kind of feelings, memories, or pain. In the past year or two, my grandma's condition has been worsening. Illnesses takes longer to recover, leading to more complications. But each time she made it through. And it's a rather irrational thought, I must admit, but she was 97 years old. The longer she lived, the longer I thought that she'd live. And every time she made it out of the hospital, the next time, I'd think she would be ok because she made it last time. We've been told that it doesn't look good at least the past few times, but I was wishfully hoping that at least this time would not be the last time. Sometime in the past couple years, we think she had a mini-stroke (transcient ischemic attack). And she doesn't respond as well anymore, she doesn't remember as much anymore, and she's not as steady when she walked. (may also be due to bed rest during hospitalizations) So the past few years, we didn't enjoy very many conversations. Most of the time, we'd just sit there holding hands. My grandma liked holding hands. She always held onto hands of her kids, grandkids. She liked kisses too. We always gave her many kisses and she'd give them right back! She was morphened out on the 4th. We all gave her kisses on the 3rd. She didn't really recognize everyone, but she knows she didn't recognize my cousin's new wife when she kissed Grandma. Today is my birthday. My husband asked me yesterday what I want for my birthday and I was just speechless. What do I want??? I want Grandma! I want to celebrate my birthday with her again. I want her kisses. But I know that's selfish. I know that it can't be. The past few years, I've been forgetting how old I am. But I've never forgotten my own birthday. This year, if not for my husband and my brother, I'd have forgotten my own birthday...and keep forgetting. We're all here only temporarily. Even Grandma, who got a sweet deal of 97 relatively healthy and ambulatory years, 7 children, 14 grandchildren, and 10 great-grandchildren. But she's home now. With Grandpa and my Uncle Sing. Today I'm 32, and grandparentless. I don't have any more grandparents to love and miss me. I don't have anymore grandparents that I can make happy, just by showing up to see them. | | |
| Today, we finished the last of our 5 final exams in 3 days. We celebrated with a drink and light dinner at PF Chang's. This week: Our study session started last Saturday at RT's. Long drive from our house, but on the way, I saw the sun shiny through thick clouds... It looked something like this: 
But as I drove closer and closer towards it, it started to disappear. Funny. It seemed like God was saying to me that sometimes, in the middle of difficult times, we don't see how much God is looking after us. But as you move away from the situation, you can then see that God's grace and mercy is beaming on you and all over you!!! JM, RT and I worked on our Ther Ex finals at his gym and started on Neuro lab final. So we broke apart the Neuro and each took a part to work on. I drove home and didn't feel very well. I had a low grade fever, took some Chinese herbs, and worked on my part of Neuro. I met up with them the next day, worked on it some more, took more chinese herbs... Monday and Tuesday were just cramming sessions at home. Tuesday night, I had my chinese herbs during my study session. My left foot started tingling, then my left hand, and then left side of my face, nausea. None of those signs were good and together could be deadly, so immediately the husband took me to the ER. We were at the emergency room until 3am. All tests turned out fine. I'll have a follow up appointment next week, we'll see how that goes. I'm hoping it's just stress causing some sort of weird weird sensory issue, maybe even like a panic attack. The other alternative that the ER doctor gave me was demyelinating disease...which, is not a very good thing. Demyelinating disease would be like Multiple Sclerosis, Guillain Barre...etc. So of course, having Neuro this semester didn't help. All I can think about was, what are the actual risks and percentages? MS patients are mostly female, 20-40...aw crap!... Guillain Barre, starts from legs, may spread to arms...aw crap!...well, but usually present on both sides...well maybe not. After just continuous continuous self-diagnosing with very very limited knowledge about anything to do anything remotely close to diagnosing anything.... I had to just admit. I'm scared. I suppose, it's not so much that I'm scared God will take me home. Or, maybe I love this world too much still...??? I love my "semi-newlywed" husband. We just started our lives together, just bought our first home, I'm almost done with school... I don't want our "ever after" to be a progressive-decline in my independent mobility! My whole career path is based on the fact that I can be mobile... What would I do then?? What of the possibility of children? I don't think we ever settled on whether to have children or not, but I'd sure still like the "possibility" to be there... And, I don't want him to have to take care of me. He's spent so many years taking care of his family already...I thought I was supposed to help him, not become his burden. The husband's reassuring. And he reminds me that it's not within our control. If something were to happen, that he'd be here. He reminds me that we've made a vow to each other, me to him and he to me: for better or worse, rich or poor, sickness and health. I can't thank God enough for having him around to reassure me when my head is spinning and mind is going every direction. Still, I'm scared. Still, I don't want to be sick. Still, I want to spend more time with my husband, my family, and friends. Perhaps next week's visit, they'll tell me more. Perhaps they'll have more questions. Perhaps it's more severe in my head because of stress and anxiety. Perhaps... So the past 3 days, I've been bottling all these questions and emotions in for my 5 finals. Through much prayer, I made it through alive. I also thank God for my 7 other classmates who've been there with me the whole time, each battling their own family and health issues. JM's had 2 EKGs since starting the program, DC's been hospitalized... Next week, we start our 2nd clinical rotation. Next week, I go to my follow up appointment. Please keep me in your prayers. | | |
| The moment we saw on tv that McCain concedes, I wanted to cry. It's not even so much who I support. It's not so much that it's a historical moment..thoughts of my husband's late Grandmother consumed me. We asked Grandma Joy who she was going to vote for the week or 2 before she died just in casual conversation. She said she's going to vote for Obama. We asked her why. She said that she's not really sure about the issues, but she knows that if Obama wins, it will open the doors for her grandchildren (I'm assuming the American born ones) and great-grandchildren. Maybe one of them will become President of the United States one day, she said. I'm not saying that's a good reason to vote. But she loves her grandchildren and great-grandkids! Door's open Grandma Joy! ...Miss you... | | |
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